My spirit cowers because it agrees with everything that's said.
I know forgiveness is available for the asking, but my sense of unworthiness says, " No, don't ask for it just yet. You don't deserve a quick forgiveness. You should suffer a little before you go plunge in the cleansing flood." Anyone been there too?
So, on your weaker days, you stay a while outside the Pool, lingering long enough to let the guilt get in a few extra punches before you jump in.
You may stay away from your Bible awhile because the guilt is already intense and you're afraid if you read, you'll feel even worse, and you don't know if you can take it. Maybe you even stay away from church, waiting for the sting to wear off so you can stand to face everyone. Friend, your guilt has morphed into shame!
This is exactly what the enemy wanted. Don't give him the satisfaction!
I remember as a child, along with other kids on the free lunch program at school, being shamed out of going inside to get the meal being offered. I allowed those bullies to keep me hungry all day because I tried to act like I wasn't hungry. I can hear you saying it now, "But you WERE hungry, and that's what the lunch program was for!"
Same with forgiveness. We ARE guilty and that's what the blood of Christ is for. Don't allow the bully of shame to make you stand outside and go without what God provided. Guilt is what forgiveness is for! Don't go hungry for His forgiveness. He WANTS you to take it.
No more lingering outside to self-flog or let the enemy get in an extra lick either. Jesus already took all the licks you need. Your taking a few extra is disrespectful of what He did. He meant it when He said, "It is finished," so let it be finished.
So what do you do with that sense of indebtedness you feel at receiving something so wonderful and undeserved? You just wanna pay Him back, don't you? Pay it in the currency that God accepts: show that same forgiveness to somebody else. Despite your anger with them, you are more undeserving of God's forgiveness than you feel they are of yours. This forgiveness stuff becomes less between you and your offender and more between you and God. You owe God the forgiving of your offender.
Friend, this is good news! Step in, receive that wonderful, undeserved, unfair forgiveness then turn around and give it to someone else.