Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Monday, January 30, 2017
No use trying not to think about it. It's all I can think about. You know, sometimes you're not ready to be made to feel better. Sometimes you want to be given time to get to wanting help to feel better, don't you?
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
“Ma’am, your class has already been paid for.”
The tears came before I could compose myself. The lady looked a little embarrassed at such emotion. I couldn’t help it. Why would anyone want to pay my way? Who was I? I was able to take a second class that semester with the money I had from the scholarship program.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Thursday, January 19, 2017
This whole dissertation thing is teaching me some incredibly important life lessons. First, even if you think something is impossible for you to achieve, try it and prove yourself a liar. If others have done it, then you can't rightly call it impossible, can you? I remember a long while back telling God, "I want to attempt something that's really hard and DO it!" I recall the burn and ache in my heart when I said it. I don't think I had anything specific in mind when I prayed it. Well, maybe I did, but even if the doing wasn't what I had in mind, I wanted to do SOMETHING that fit that description. I wanted to do something I could call to mind on my deathbed that I could look back with pride and say, "I know what it's like to face a challenge and get through to the other side of it. I was not one who only knows what it's like to quit." I have quit some things that still sting when I think about them. No big deal. Everybody has at least one of them in their closet. I just want to see something beautiful hanging next to it. Something with sweat on it and maybe some scars and scratches. Something hard won. This degree is that to me. The thought of it overwhelms me at times. It has taken working like a dog at a second job and coming home dead tired with aching feet. It has taken out of me what others needed from me.
Still, I have entertained the idea of calling it off. I have made some pretty good arguments for why quitting made logical sense, but my heart won't let me.
I've learned that you get to a point where you've invested too much in a thing to not finish it. Even if the original idea has lost it's luster, it'll dull all the more if you just leave it to die on the side of the road.
Know what else? When you undertake something hard, you don't do it alone. Even if your feet are the only ones moving, others are traveling with you in their hearts. It's the most amazing thing. Humbling, too. You look up and discover people are cheering you on, wanting you to make it, offering help to get you to the finish line. For a girl who often feels it's all up to her, this has been a beautiful discovery. There is a cloud of witnesses that somehow take on the challenge with you and seem delighted to be a part of it. My heart squeezes with something I can't describe when I think of it. It feels like gratitude mixed with awe mixed with the kind of tears that come before you realize it.
One more life lesson: You have to think of mountain climbing in steps. If you look at the whole thing at one time it'll paralyze you, but anybody can do steps. Today as I sat at that table, my goal was to work on just one case study. Whether I finished it out in that sitting or not was not the point. I had an itch that could only be scratched with progress, any sort of progress.
What are you facing today that is too big to look fully in the face? A project at home? Raising a child? Finding a job? Forgiving someone for a big hurt? Peel away at it a layer at a time. You'll get there, and we both can celebrate by planting a flag on Mount It Was Hard, But I Did It.
Are you with me?
See you at the top!
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Monday, January 16, 2017
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Friday, January 13, 2017
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
I love writing because it is an opportunity for the wind of the Spirit to blow and a tune with colors that are uniquely mine grace the mind. I can show His workmanship by just being who He created me to be in Christ Jesus or out.
Monday, January 9, 2017
Some days I think it's time to pull the plug on this blog. Other days, it's the thrill of my day to publish something. I really do love to write, I just wish I was disciplined enough to do it regularly.
I have joined an online writing group that encourages its members to write at least 500 words a day by following writing prompts. It's been great!
Know what I discovered? I make writing harder than it needs to be. I am a perfectionist and the desire to polish every sentence and deliberate over word choices has kept my postings meager.
So for the remainder of this month, I beg your indulgence as I send out less-than-perfect posts. Don't judge me if I miss a day or two. Also, know that my topics may be random, but that's why it's called free writing, right? (That last sentence was for my benefit. The struggle is real, people! )
Thanks in advance for taking the time.