Tears were streaming down my cheeks before I even realized I was crying. I had the briefest moment alone, and my heart showed what I was trying to deny I was feeling. I couldn't let anyone see my tears, so I had to have an express therapy session with the Father--only He could dry me up in the short moments I had before I had to show my face.
So I got honest with Him real quick: "Oh Father, I want this so very much, but I am afraid it might not happen...but...but...if it's not what you want me to have...I...I trust you!" Then He gave my heart strength to stop crying. I'm not sure how well I dried my eyes, but they didn't get blood-red like they tend to do, and I looked straight ahead just in case.
A prayer of surrender can feel like a wrestling match between yourself and what's best, but it's the best fight if You let God win. Our wills cannot be trusted because sometimes they are selfish without our realizing. Sometimes they have been pasteurized enough by the Spirit, but we can't tell if it's us or Him. That's when it's time to pray. Ask God to sift out what's not right and in that moment, give you the good sense to let Him have His way.
What do you need to surrender, My Friend? A dream? A man you know is not God's best? A secret that may kill you if you keep it to yourself? Your reputation? A habit? Something else? Whatever it is, God can do more with it than you ever could. Sometimes He sends it to the dung heap where it belongs; other times He gives it back to you and is delighted that you love Him more than IT. If you give Him time, He will always fill the void with what is best.
Think about it: Surrender is rarely about the thing we are giving up. It's about what we think they offer us--love, security, status, belonging, pleasure, and so on. Are you settling for the cheap knock-off of what Christ offers you in Designer original? He owns the patent on all of those desires, My Friend. Be convinced He loves you enough to lavish them on you when the time is right if He hasn't already.
How do you come to the place of surrender? I hope you get there without as many drag marks and hard knocks as I have. I find that tearing our sin-lensed eyes away from our idols and taking a full frontal look at the heart of God has a softening effect on strong wills and hard heads. If He, out of the kind intention of His will, gave us the best He had when He gave us Jesus, why would we hold so desperately to anything He calls us to surrender to Him?
I know it's not easy, but neither is it impossible, and it certainly is worth it. Once we do the deed, we must continue the gaze or we'll return to Egypt and add a layer of callouses that make it easier to stay there and the needed surgery more extensive. It's so not worth it, My Friend.
My prayer for you is that the Father's request will sound more like an invitation to a divine dance than a dreaded death-march. God rejoices over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17) so why not dance with Him in surrender?